Foreshadowing and scary villains in middle grade
Ask the Editor #15
Welcome to Ask the Editor! Today’s installment features lots of great writing, including…
A revised query for a memoir and a chat about comp titles
The conclusion to an MG short story with a VERY scary bad guy
Grab the beverage of your choice and let’s jump in!
A revised memoir query…
From Theresa: “Hi Michelle Here we go again. I know it still needs work but I hope you think it is more on the right track than not. Thanks, and God bless!”
Dear Agent(Still working on this)
In The Days of Whine and Roses, a 55,000-word memoir of a poet who weaves her collection of poems throughout her chaotic life.
This memoir is ideal for fans of The Comfort of Crows by Margaret Renkl. Similar experiences happened in the Eras tour as Taylor Swift and I were sensitive souls who were tortured by the men in our lives while searching for Mr. Right.
When I was seven, I knew how I wanted to spend my life. Receiving no support. I had to pick up the shattered pieces of a life denied and get through the rest of my existence. The death of a dream inspired the birth of the poet in me. This memoir covers the fire and ashes that made me a poet. Lovers of poetry and a coming-of-age story will enjoy this memoir.
I have done some freelance work for an entrepreneurial book.
My commentary follows…
Dear Agent(Still working on this)
In The Days of Whine and Roses, a 55,000-word memoir of a poet who weaves her collection of poems throughout her chaotic life.
I think there’s something missing from this sentence! You might reconstruct it as “The Days of Whine and Roses is a 55,000-word memoir of a poet…” etc.
I suggest softening it a touch, perhaps: “I’d like to submit for your consideration The Days of Whine and Roses, a 55,000-word memoir of a poet…”
This memoir is ideal for fans of The Comfort of Crows by Margaret Renkl. Similar experiences happened in the Eras tour as Taylor Swift and I were sensitive souls who were tortured by the men in our lives while searching for Mr. Right.
I’m not sure about the Taylor Swift comp. From a marketing perspective, agents and editors want comps that tell them which audience your book is targeting. Margaret Renkl’s target audience is middle aged women (me! :) while Taylor Swift’s target audience is much younger.
When I was seven, I knew how I wanted to spend my life. How exactly? What did you want to do? What was your dream? Receiving no support. From whom? Your parents/family/community?
I had to pick up the shattered pieces of a life denied and get through the rest of my existence. The death of a dream inspired the birth of the poet in me. Great line! This memoir covers the fire and ashes that made me a poet. Lovers of poetry and a coming-of-age story will enjoy this memoir.
I have done some freelance work for an entrepreneurial book. You can also add a brief line about where you live if you want and if it’s relevant! For example, I know Renkl’s experiences in the South greatly informed her writing.
Fantastic job with this revision!
The conclusion to a prankster MG short story…
From Avi: “Here is the second half of Noel's story. The Whistler was actually inspired by "The Traveler" episode of the Canadian "Creeped Out" series. The Traveler had a mysterious black box with a red button that when pressed would freeze time. Two delinquent teens found it and were using it to rob their neighbors and other bad things so the Traveler left them this ominous note that read, "you took from me so I'll take from you" referring to his box that freezes time. He then hunts them down and when they're finally caught, we learn that the thing he takes from them is time as he ages them rapidly in seconds. Still get chills thinking about it - it's one of my fave episodes from that series so I hope I've honored it with this story. Enjoy :) P.S. I really tried to keep this story to 2 pages but it's slightly over by a few lines - Feel free to blame Noel :(”
That is SO CREEPY! I wish I’d had that show as a kid! Right up my alley.
Once Tiffany arrived at school, shortly before the first bell rang, it was time for Noel to set his prank in motion. He gulped down the unicorn tears, making himself invisible for the next hour. His prank plan started with Tiffany’s first period Math quiz. As Noel predicted, Tiffany arrived in the classroom five minutes earlier than everyone else. She sat in her chair, setting out all her pencils, papers, and a calculator on her desk. Noel waited until Tiffany got all her stationery perfectly lined up before knocking them all down to the ground with his invisible hands. He grabbed his cellphone to capture the moment.
“Anyone there?” Cowering next to her chair, Tiffany looked around but saw nothing. “Gosh Tiffany, get a grip—ghosts aren’t real.” She picked up the items as the rest of the class strolled in with chatters and whispers.
Even when the Math teacher Mr. Lee entered the classroom and the quiz began, Noel didn’t stop his invisible shenanigans. He ramped it up; erasing Tiffany’s answers as she wrote them, writing his name instead of her own, and pressing several buttons on her calculator.
Mr. Lee stood up from his desk. “Is everything okay, Tiffany?”
“Yes Sir, everything’s fine.” But everything was not fine. And thanks to Noel and his unicorn tears, Tiffany failed her Math quiz.
As soon as the invisibility effect wore off, Noel positioned himself next to Tiffany’s locker to gloat. “Hey Tiff, how was your Math quiz?”
She pivoted around him and opened her locker. “Fine.”
“Oh really?” He showed her the pics he took on his cellphone. “Then explain these.”
She gasped. “How on earth did you get those?”
“Let’s just say, I took my pranking to astronaut proportions.”
“Astronaut, huh?” Tiffany shook her head, dumping her Math textbook into the locker. “I think you mean astronomical, Einstein.”
Noel shrugged. “Got my reference, didn’t you? So, who’s the fool?”
“Still you.” Tiffany grabbed her second period science textbook and held it close to her chest. “Let me get this straight… instead of using your hours wisely to revise—or in your case, cram—for your Math quiz later today, you decide to prank me. Even though studying means you could actually end up with a high letter grade for once. Well, I hope it was worth it.”
“Absolutely,” he said with a grin. “And the next one will be even better.”
“The next one?” She slammed her locker shut. “I’m still scrubbing blue dye from under my fingernails after your last prank. Unbelievable!”
As Tiffany stormed off, Noel jogged to his locker a few doors down, eager to drink more of the unicorn tears elixir. However, when he swung open the door, a piece of paper fell out, which read: Use unicorn tears once and I’ll get your scent, use unicorn tears twice and I won’t relent. Noel let out a nervous chuckle. “This must be a joke, right?” He looked around the nearly-empty hallway as the second period school bell rang. “It’s obviously Tiffany trying to scare me… but it’s not gonna work.”
Ignoring the ominous note, Noel drank another shot of unicorn tears. After checking to make sure he turned invisible in the boys’ bathroom mirror, Noel entered Tiffany’s science class. Messing with pencils, papers, and calculators were a cool trick. But a prank involving glass beakers, lab equipment, and chemicals would be epic.
Noel spotted Tiffany’s desk, not too far from the doorway, as she threw on her lab coat and protective eye glasses. Walking over there, Noel meant to disrupt her station when an eerie whistle sounded behind him. He jumped and quickly noticed that nobody else did, including Tiffany.
“Can no one else hear that?” Noel spun around, faced with a gaunt man dressed in tattered cowboy clothes perched on an equally-emaciated horned horse blocking the doorway.
The Whistler.
Noel expected some kind of reaction from Tiffany and her science classmates but they were preoccupied with their school work. Only when the science teacher Mr. Diaz arrived, passing through the undead cowboy and his cadaverous unicorn en route to the lab, did Noel get a bit spooked.
The Whistler brought a skeletal finger up, pointing directly at Noel. “Use unicorn tears once and I’ll get your scent, use unicorn tears twice and I won’t relent.” His deep voice made the glass beakers in the lab vibrate.
Still, no reaction from Tiffany or the science class.
“Weird… those are the same words my locker note had.” Noel kept the Whistler in his line of sight, zeroing in on the creature’s skull head—that followed him everywhere—and the two gaping nose holes making loud sniffing noises. Red dots embedded in the Whistler’s eye sockets peered into Noel’s soul. As the creature got closer, Noel couldn’t believe his eyes. “Are those bony fingers poking out of his rib cage?”
Nevertheless, Noel was determined to finish his prank, regardless of the consequences. He couldn’t afford to waste any more time when his invisibility could wear off at any moment. But as soon as Noel reached Tiffany’s desk, the Whistler clicked his tongue, urging his undead unicorn to ride on. As Noel looked up, the two were heading towards him at full speed. Noel weighed his options: Would the Whistler hurt him or pass through him like Mr. Diaz? At the last minute, Noel chickened out, dashing through the doorway and sprinting down the hall with the Whistler in hot pursuit. While Tiffany and the rest of the school went about their usual day, Noel dodged the Whistler, moving from building to building.
“This has been such a great adventure,” Noel said, giddy with excitement. “It’s like my favorite comic book come to life!” He ran past the swimming pool area, bumping into Coach Boone.
“No running in the hallway, Noel,” he snapped.
Noel waved his hands in front of the swim coach’s face. “You can see me, Coach?”
His invisibility must’ve worn off and the Whistler was nowhere in sight.
“Of course I can!” Coach Boone swatted Noel’s hand away. “Which reminds me, there was a blue dye incident last Friday with the swim team; I was told you’re responsible…”
“Have no idea what you’re talking about, Coach.” Noel backed away slowly. “Besides, that prank took place at the butt crack of dawn, have you ever seen me at school before nine a.m.?”
Coach Boone stroked the stubble on his chin. “Come to think of it, no.”
“Well, there you go.”
As Noel bent around the hallway corner, he ran right into Tiffany and the swim team. “I told you your silly pranks would come back to bite you, Noel.” Tiffany crossed her arms. “And that day has finally come.”
“Oh please! Coach Boone just cleared my name.” Noel grinned from ear to ear. “But if you really think I’m guilty, then you have to catch me.”
“That shouldn’t be too difficult,” Tiffany said with a shrug. “Every school exit is blocked; you can’t leave without running into one of your previous prank victims who are all dying to see you get your comeuppance—myself included. School president does have its privileges.”
Noel smirked. “So, what you’re saying is… the only way to escape would be if I were invisible, right?”
“Hmm, not exactly the reaction I was expecting.” Tiffany raised an eyebrow. “But okay, sure.”
While no one was looking, Noel snuck to his locker and drank the last of the unicorn tears. Turning invisible, he successfully slipped out from the school, undetected. Unfortunately when Noel arrived home and entered his basement bedroom, the Whistler was waiting for him. “My unicorn’s tears have been shed for the final time, as only when invisible can I punish you for your crime.”
Hearing this, Noel’s green eyes widened. “Those were your unicorn’s tears? I didn’t know! That witch girl made it seem like it was hers. I’ll just wipe it right off, okay? No need for punishment.” He scrubbed his freckled skin raw with a towel but his attempt to get the unicorn tears to wear off faster were to no avail.
Cracking sounds kept Noel’s feet frozen to the shaggy carpet as the Whistler’s rib bones broke loose and separated from the center breast bone. The rib cage flew open like a Venus fly trap snapping Noel out of his haze who dashed for his bedroom door.
Inside the Whistler’s rib cage something glowed, yanking Noel backwards—the suction too strong and too powerful for him to escape. Noel screamed and held onto the carpet as his gangly legs lifted into the air. The Whistler’s rib cage sucked him into its undead bones before the creature’s torso sealed itself shut, entombing a horrified Noel inside.
As the skeletal unicorn rode away, Noel gripped the rib bones of his perpetual cage, his hand’s skin, muscles, and tissue faded away, revealing his bones underneath; eternally fusing him with the Whistler.
A prank legend indeed.
While Noel was left trapped inside a supernatural creature, Sierra will be left trapped inside a supernatural feature…
My commentary follows…
Once Tiffany arrived at school, shortly before the first bell rang, it was time for Noel to set his prank in motion. He gulped down the unicorn tears, making himself invisible for the next hour. I would love a line or two here with his reaction to turning invisible (my #1 superpower wish as a kid!).
His prank plan started with Tiffany’s first period Math quiz. As Noel predicted, Tiffany arrived in the classroom five minutes earlier than everyone else. She sat in her chair, setting out all her pencils, papers, and a calculator on her desk. Are there still signs of blue on her skin or hair after the prank? Noel waited until Tiffany got all her stationery perfectly lined up before knocking them all down to the ground with his invisible hands. He grabbed his cellphone to capture the moment.
“Anyone there?” Cowering next to her chair, Tiffany looked around but saw nothing. Wouldn’t she see a floating cellphone?! “Gosh Tiffany, get a grip—ghosts aren’t real.” She picked up the items as the rest of the class strolled in with chatters and whispers.
Even when the Math teacher Mr. Lee entered the classroom and the quiz began, Noel didn’t stop his invisible shenanigans. He ramped it up; erasing Tiffany’s answers as she wrote them, writing his name instead of her own, and pressing several buttons on her calculator.
Mr. Lee stood up from his desk. “Is everything okay, Tiffany?”
“Yes Sir, everything’s fine.” But everything was not fine. Can we see how distressed she looks (to contrast with her words?) And thanks to Noel and his unicorn tears, Tiffany failed her Math quiz.
As soon as the invisibility effect wore off, Noel positioned himself next to Tiffany’s locker to gloat. “Hey Tiff, how was your Math quiz?”
She pivoted around him and opened her locker. “Fine.”
“Oh really?” He showed her the pics he took on his cellphone. “Then explain these.”
She gasped. “How on earth did you get those?”
“Let’s just say, I took my pranking to astronaut proportions.”
“Astronaut, huh?” Tiffany shook her head, dumping her Math textbook into the locker. “I think you mean astronomical, Einstein.” LOL!
Noel shrugged. “Got my reference, didn’t you? So, who’s the fool?”
“Still you.” Tiffany grabbed her second period science textbook and held it close to her chest. “Let me get this straight… instead of using your hours wisely to revise—or in your case, cram—for your Math quiz later today, you decide to prank me?. Even though studying means you could actually end up with a high letter grade for once?. Well, I hope it was worth it.”
“Absolutely,” he said with a grin. “And the next one will be even better.”
“The next one?” She slammed her locker shut. “I’m still scrubbing blue dye from under my fingernails after your last prank. Unbelievable!”
I mentioned this further down, but I think the above conversation would be a great spot to foreshadow Tiffany’s plot to have Noel’s victims trap him. It would also add a nice layer to this scene - Tiff has also shown up to school with a plot today, and while the reader might pick up on that, Noel is super overconfident and misses the signs…
(Let’s be real - Amy outplayed Jake when he was too confident during the Halloween Heist! ;)
As Tiffany stormed off, Noel jogged to his locker a few doors down, eager to drink more of the unicorn tears elixir. However, when he swung open the door, a piece of paper fell out, which read: Use unicorn tears once and I’ll get your scent, use unicorn tears twice and I won’t relent. Creepy! Noel let out a nervous chuckle. “This must be a joke, right?” He looked around the nearly-empty hallway as the second period school bell rang. “It’s obviously Tiffany trying to scare me… but it’s not gonna work.” I just want to follow his train of thought here - no one at school should know about the unicorn tears unless perhaps they paid a visit to the cottage as well. Does he think maybe Tiffany met the Girl in White too?
Ignoring the ominous note, Noel drank another shot of unicorn tears. After checking to make sure he turned invisible in the boys’ bathroom mirror, Noel entered Tiffany’s science class. Messing with pencils, papers, and calculators were a cool trick. But a prank involving glass beakers, lab equipment, and chemicals would be epic.
Noel spotted Tiffany’s desk, not too far from the doorway, as she threw on her lab coat and protective eye glasses. Walking over there, Noel meant to disrupt her station when an eerie whistle sounded behind him. He jumped and quickly noticed that nobody else did, including Tiffany.
“Can no one else hear that?” Can his classmates not hear him? Noel spun around, faced with a gaunt man dressed in tattered cowboy clothes perched on an equally-emaciated horned horse blocking the doorway.
The Whistler. Eeek!
Noel expected some kind of reaction from Tiffany and her science classmates but they were preoccupied with their school work. Only when the science teacher Mr. Diaz arrived, passing through the undead cowboy and his cadaverous unicorn en route to the lab, did Noel get a bit spooked. Yeah that is super creepy!!
The Whistler brought a skeletal finger up, pointing directly at Noel. “Use unicorn tears once and I’ll get your scent, use unicorn tears twice and I won’t relent.” His deep voice made the glass beakers in the lab vibrate.
Still, no reaction from Tiffany or the science class.
“Weird… those are the same words my locker note had.” Noel kept the Whistler in his line of sight, zeroing in on the creature’s skull head—that followed him everywhere—and the two gaping nose holes making loud sniffing noises. Red dots embedded in the Whistler’s eye sockets peered into Noel’s soul. As the creature got closer, Noel couldn’t believe his eyes. “Are those bony fingers poking out of his your rib cage?” Changed because if Noel says this out loud, I assume he’s addressing the Whistler.
Nevertheless, Noel was determined to finish his prank, regardless of the consequences. He couldn’t afford to waste any more time when his invisibility could wear off at any moment. But as soon as Noel reached Tiffany’s desk, the Whistler clicked his tongue, urging his undead unicorn to ride on. As Noel looked up, the two were heading towards him at full speed. Noel weighed his options: Would the Whistler hurt him or pass through him like Mr. Diaz? At the last minute, Noel chickened out, dashing through the doorway and sprinting down the hall with the Whistler in hot pursuit. While Tiffany and the rest of the school went about their usual day, Noel dodged the Whistler, moving from building to building.
“This has been such a great adventure,” Noel said, giddy with excitement. “It’s like my favorite comic book come to life!” He ran past the swimming pool area, bumping into Coach Boone.
“No running in the hallway, Noel,” he snapped.
Noel waved his hands in front of the swim coach’s face. “You can see me, Coach?”
His invisibility must’ve worn off and the Whistler was nowhere in sight.
“Of course I can!” Coach Boone swatted Noel’s hand away. “Which reminds me, there was a blue dye incident last Friday with the swim team; I was told you’re responsible…”
“Have no idea what you’re talking about, Coach.” Noel backed away slowly. “Besides, that prank took place at the butt crack of dawn, have you ever seen me at school before nine a.m.?”
Coach Boone stroked the stubble on his chin. “Come to think of it, no.”
“Well, there you go.”
As Noel bent around the hallway corner, he ran right into Tiffany and the swim team. “I told you your silly pranks would come back to bite you, Noel.” Tiffany crossed her arms. “And that day has finally come.”
“Oh please! Coach Boone just cleared my name.” Noel grinned from ear to ear. “But if you really think I’m guilty, then you have to catch me.”
“That shouldn’t be too difficult,” Tiffany said with a shrug. “Every school exit is blocked; you can’t leave without running into one of your previous prank victims who are all dying to see you get your comeuppance—myself included. School president does have its privileges.” Love that Tiffany did this - and I think it’d be cool if there was a bit of foreshadowing. Maybe Tiffany says something ominous about revenge to Noel, which he of course dismisses (she would never…) and THEN when he finds that note in his locker, he thinks it’s just Tiff trying to scare him again?
Noel smirked. “So, what you’re saying is… the only way to escape would be if I were invisible, right?”
“Hmm, not exactly the reaction I was expecting.” Tiffany raised an eyebrow. “But okay, sure.”
While no one was looking, Noel snuck to his locker and drank the last of the unicorn tears. Turning invisible, he successfully slipped out from the school, undetected. Unfortunately when Noel arrived home and entered his basement bedroom, the Whistler was waiting for him. “My unicorn’s tears have been shed for the final time, as only when invisible can I punish you for your crime.”
Hearing this, Noel’s green eyes widened. “Those were your unicorn’s tears? I didn’t know! That witch girl made it seem like it was hers. I’ll just wipe it right off, okay? No need for punishment.” He scrubbed his freckled skin raw with a towel but his attempt to get the unicorn tears to wear off faster were to no avail.
Cracking sounds kept Noel’s feet frozen to the shaggy carpet this phrasing threw me off - is it that the sounds made Noel scared and he couldn’t move? Would be good to show that more, as I think this would be the first time in the story that Noel has actually shown fear! as the Whistler’s rib bones broke loose and separated from the center breast bone. Legit terrifying!! The rib cage flew open like a Venus fly trap snapping Noel out of his haze who dashed for his bedroom door. OMG
Inside the Whistler’s rib cage something glowed, yanking Noel backwards—the suction too strong and too powerful for him to escape. Noel screamed and held onto the carpet as his gangly legs lifted into the air. The Whistler’s rib cage sucked him into its undead bones before the creature’s torso sealed itself shut, entombing a horrified Noel inside. All of your descriptions of this villain are excellent!
As the skeletal unicorn rode away, Noel gripped the rib bones of his perpetual cage, his hand’s skin, muscles, and tissue faded away, revealing his bones underneath; eternally fusing him with the Whistler.
A prank legend indeed. DANG. Now that is a scary af ending!!!
While Noel was left trapped inside a supernatural creature, Sierra will be left trapped inside a supernatural feature…
This one was your scariest yet, Avi! The Whistler is the kind of villain who deserves his own book. :)
Thanks to everyone who submitted! I’m looking forward to continuing the discussion in the comments.
If you submitted this week but don’t see your excerpt in this issue, never fear! You’re first up for next week!
Everyone else…what are you waiting for?! Send me your writing!
What can you submit? How about…
Queries
Synopses
Pages from your novel
Questions about writing or traditional publishing
A current problem or situation in your writing journey (ie: trying to decide if an agent is a schmagent, disagreeing with beta feedback, etc)
A rant about this whole “trying to get published” endeavor to a sympathetic ear
Every Friday, I’ll respond to/critique as many submissions as I can and publish them together in one post. Because they’ll be behind a paywall, there’s some privacy—your query, pages, or rant about that one really horrible rejection won’t be online for editors to discover when they Google you.
Max two pages (12 point font) please! This is so that I can critique as many as possible per issue. Also, please note that while I’m happy to give it a shot, I’m not the best editor when it comes to poetry.
If you’re enjoying this series, it would help me a ton if you’d recommend it to your writer friends!
Best,
Michelle
Thank you, Michelle
I think that my memoir would appeal to both young and not so young women. It really is how I learned to come to terms with life and find myself before I could find true love. I hope that it will reach many women who might find themselves in my book and maybe learn how not to make the mistakes I made or how I had to meet the challenges that life presented to me and find the strength to carry on. A memoir of 70 some years has a little bit of almost everything emotional in it.
Thank you for your great advice!
Had to post Noel's revisions without the final limerick because I maxed out Substack's word count! Ahh, the annoyance of Noel's continues lol :)